Pretending I Have All the Answers

Where exactly do I begin? I have been told that I start my writing with too many questions. I wrote essays and I opened with questions, I respond to someone’s ideas and I have yet more questions, and I start on a journey to a half marathon and it is simply questions that spring to mind.

Okay one question springs loudly to mind: what the hell am I thinking?

I am a thirty-two year old woman. I know that because I finally stopped feeling like a girl 3 years ago. I had the sinking realization that I have to take care of myself. I am not sure what my strategy per-womanhood was, but I am pretty sure it involved sugar, movies, and ‘going through the motions’.

I was diagnosed three years ago with a rare and annoying condition. That one series of moments -because it seriously is still a realization of disbelief over and over again- has been enough to spur me to do things I never thought I could.

My body is in a time warp. It seems to think I am 55 years old. My reproductive system and I have a disagreement of sorts. It likes hot flashes, lack of menses, migraine headaches, and another PG13 symptom*. I like babies, cake, laughter, and carbohydrates. We have nothing in common at the moment.

Along with all the things my body is doing I have added a fun ‘medicate myself for over 20 years’ solution- by solution of course I mean coping mechanism. So along with some relief from the pangs of the evil POF I now also get a myriad of extra symptoms from my HRT. The most annoying symptoms are the weight gain and sluggish nature that hit me when I began the protocol.

But since I was diagnosed, became a woman, and began to take charge (like herding cats in charge) of my life, I have accomplished some significant goals.

My husband and I embarked on a journey from slovenliness to a cheap groupon bootcamp class. I spent four nights a week for two months putting myself through pain over and over again. And then last summer I completed the couch to 5 k program. All of these were short-term goals and when they were completed I returned to my comfortable couch.

I am not happy when I work out (nor when I finish for that matter). See Exhibit A:


Me on Friday after my first bootcamp in over a year.

And so now with the most significant goal only 33 weeks away I must again strengthen my body to help take charge of my mind. Moving forward into what seems to be utter insanity.

*Since I am not sure where I am going with this blog I will keep it PG (for now).


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